Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Cat waxing!!

Yesterday I got to go home early before I had to pick Shane up from work. Sweet I thought I was going to be able to come home and relax. Nope. We are dog sitting and this dog who’s name is Max is so horny its not even funny. My parents have 4 dogs. Max has got the female pregnant three times now but he started when she was so young she hates him unless she is in heat. So Max can not be around her she will attack him and try to kill him. The first puppy they had is so jealous of max that he tries to kill him too. So to ease my parents every few weeks we take max and try to give him a little bit of freedom and time to roam around not being locked up all day. So I came home from work yesterday to find that Max couldn’t hold it and pooped on my carpet right where you fist step in the door. Well not when you fist step in I did have time to take my shoes off and step into the poop with fresh clean socks. Damn dog. If he wasn’t so cute I would have been mad. So before I could clean the poop off my sock and the floor the phone rings. Phone company. They didn’t receive my payment that I made two weeks ago. So I told them I made the payment gave them my reference number got that sorted out hung up and getting ready to clean up the now very stinky poop that max is now trying to eat. Phone rings again. Shane. We are not working until 8 any more. We are working until 7 so if you could come pick me up then that would be great. Fine. So I clean up the poop and threw away my sock because when I was on the phone he decided he had to pee too.

After all that was cleaned up and Max was sent out side I sat down and tried to watch some T.V. Now we have been having problems with our T.V. lately we have a bundle so everything is together and the T.V. is over our internet line. The box stopped working a month ago and it turned out we needed a new modem. So we got that changed and it has been fine since then. But when I want to watch something it doesn’t work. Bastard television box of shit. So I didn’t want to fuck with it so I went into the bedroom to watch some good old Simpsons. So before I went to watch the show I noticed that when we had a big fruit salad the night before for dessert we forgot to put the bowl away because were pigs like that. And my living room was full of fruit flies. I hate fruit flies so I got some of that sticky fly tape and put it in an old pop bottle on the table to catch the little bastards once and for all. Because you know they fly to fast to be vacuumed up. I have tried and I looked like a goof. (it was on the day that I stayed home sick and I wanted to clean up a bit but I swear the little buggers were everywhere and I couldn’t move fast enough. It was three in the afternoon and I was still in my PJ’s) Now we have three cats and our youngest one who is in heat (but max won’t go near her) decided that it looked like a cool new toy so she had to play with it. When we came home we found one of the pieces of tape on the couch and the other stuck to the back of my cats head. Being the mean mom that I am ( to my cats I have no babies yet) I yanked it off and gave her a bald spot. Its sad but very funny at the same time.
Now I started earlier that we are watching max and that he is super horny. This dog will hump anything he sees. I went to take the pop bottles out one day and walked threw the laundry room to find max in a corner with one of my fathers shirts all rolled up in a ball having his way with it. When he saw me he was scared and startled but didn’t skip a beat. He kept going until he was done. To this day my dad can’t have that shirt on with out max trying to mount him. Like I said before we have three cats. Two of them are female so I thought that max would be all over them. But he isn’t all he is interested in is my male cat who thinks he is the god father. This is real I tell you. When I lived at my parents house I had two of the cats there. With at the time three dogs. My cat was there when it was only max and our old female who wouldn’t do anything she was so timid. So Fez (shut up I love that 70’s show and it suits him well) was the king of the house and when the dogs would bother him he would take them to the top of our two step sunk in living room and literally put his arm around him and it looked like he was whispering in there ear. After that no one would bother him for a few weeks.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Times up for me!

Okay so its that time of month well its over now but it was not a good time. And since I had to make Shane’s week a bad one I want to discuss how I deal with the pain and the stress. I go out and buy a big bad of M&M’s some popcorn and lots to drink. Pop or water wise that is. Kick your man if you have one that lives with you out of the bed room make sure the lights are off and the curtains are drawn. Then find your favorite movie’s pop it into the dvd player and watch all of them all day or all night.

Now depending on my mood that makes my choice on the movie that I watch. If I am in a really bad mood I watch a scary movie not the new “scary movies” because they just are not the same. They are so fake and not really scary. I am into the based on true stories or the old school scary movies. These some how put me in a better mood because it shows me that life can be a lot worse. So in some strange way they cheer me up.

If am in a sappy mood I obviously put in a girly movie. Ones where there is a girl looking for true love everywhere and at the end she finds it in the one man she has known for years that has been her best friend. These make me cry and Shane thinks I am crazy. I have watched the movie ever after I think at leas 200 times. And I could tell you the movie word for word with out even thinking. Now that is crazy.

If you are not a movie person grab your favorite book and just get lost in there world. I must say that the shopaholic books are one of my favorites. Well anything by Sophie Konsella really. I think that’s how you spell her name.

And when it comes to going to bed and your man wants to come to bed as well tell him he can only come in if he rubs your back and feet and if he doesn’t want to do that he can sleep on the couch. Wow that is a long sentence. Okay well my time is up so I have another month to wait to do it again.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Shink Tube!!

I work with the funniest angry polish man ever. He is 57 and he has lived in Canada here for 20 years still can’t speak English. When I first met APM (angry polish man) I couldn’t understand a word he said. I thought he just came to Canada. I was wrong but I still couldn’t understand him. I started to speak broken English just so he would understand me. One day when I was only here for a month or two he came into the parts room and asked me for some shink tube. What the fuck. That’s all I could think.

APM: You got any shink tube?

Me: Pardon?

APM: Shink tube.

Me: Sorry what?

APM: SHINK TUBE!!!!!

Me: I don’t understand you are you speaking English?

APM: Of course I speak English you no understand? Shink tube.

Me: Guess not. Okay shink tube. What the fuck.

APM: What the Fuck (remember polish much funnier then English) you no understand shink tube. Shink tube. Shink tube. What the hell you looking at?

Me: I think you need to learn English you damn polish man.

APM: (storming into the parts room) Fuckin shink tube don’t know what it is. Fuck. Yeah yeah I don’t speak English.

Me: Show me this shink tube shit your talking about.

APM: (walking over to a shelf) SHINK TUBE!!

Me: Oh SHRINK TUBE. You’re an idiot learn English!!

That was how we first started really talking to each other. Before that I was just afraid to talk to him because I tend to make an ass out of myself when I talk to someone who doesn’t speak English. Now it is a big joke every time he comes into work. Everyone here thinks we hate each other when the see us talking. He will come up to my desk and yell at me “What the Fuck, did you get my shit” or just call me cheap like borsch because I won’t give him bulk of what he wants. But I totally have a non sexual crush on this man. I would so go out for coffee just so I could hear the shit that comes out of his mouth. I now call him my shink tube.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

It could have only been worst if it rained.

It all started last night. I thought it was going to be a fun night at the sister-in-laws house for a BBQ. It started out fine we were drinking eating and having a fun time. Now I have always been well I think the best way to put it is I am not a people person. So one of Shane's sisters are alike on that and we don't like a lot of people. We started talking during dinner and couldn't stand some of the other people that were around and decided that we should go out back and have a smoke. This became a game for us when we don't want to be around other people we would say our code word to each other and go somewhere else. That wasn't bad when it got bad was when Shane told them we would spend the night. I don't know about all you other people but I can't stay at someone elses house. Not when I don't really know the person. I know them but not really well. I wouldn't not have slept I would have been up all night quietly freaking out in my mind. When I told Shane he got mad really mad I had told him earlier that I didn't want to spend the night and he was like oh come on please I didn't say anything and he assumed that I had folded. But I couldn't make myself sit up all night crying and trying to look like I was okay. I have never been able to stay at someone else's house that I don't really know in fact I couldn't do many sleep overs when I was a kid. So after I told him that I couldn't do it and he knew I wasn't going to fold he didn't talk to me after that. Thats when I knew that I was screwed for the rest of the night. I did however think that the worst was over. I thought today would be a clean slate and we would be normal and he would have forgotten about yesterday. NOPE!

I get out of bed this morning to find an angry man who had a hangover (although he would never admit to the hangover). We sat in silence for about an hour because I am tired of being the one he is pissed at so I didn't want to give him anything to be mad at me about. (this makes him sound like an ass all the time he isn't every day i must say that because he is not always this bad..) Then the one friend he has that hates everything about me called (and I mean he really hates me. He told Shane to leave me and find someone who is not as fat and isn't such a bitch) and wanted to take shane out and play paint ball. Now any other day I wouldn't care but we had to clean up A LOT. So he asked if I wouldn't mind if he goes and I said that we have lots to do around the house. That and he still has $100 owing for rent. So I didn't think that would be the best thing to do. Well that sent him into absolute quiet. I tried to joke around and play with him but he just sat there and bitched so i stopped talking to him again. Boy do I know how to ruin someone's day. So we were watching this show he gets up and doesn't say anything goes and starts to clean up. I figured that was my Que. so I went and was going to start cleaning the mess that is our room. Well the room beat me. I couldn't finish it. I don't know why but I see something that is a mess and I look at it after I started and I begin to think that there is to much to do and i can't finish. So I turn it back into a mess and clean off the bed to lay down and watch some tv.

Shane came in and we talked for like five minutes but that was it. I have been very emotional lately and don't know or care why to tell you the truth. So he went back out to do what ever it is he wanted to do. I fell asleep and when I woke up I thought we were all good. NOPE! I came out and he still won't talk to me. His fuck face friend told him that he wants to take him out next weekend so learning my lesson so I told him I am not going to say no to him any more. Well that gets me in shit too.. What do I need to do now. Just never talk to the man. How do I live like that. Fuck I don't even know if he still likes me.
UPDATE: It rained!!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Just keep swimming!!

Have you ever had the kind of day where you can’t see the end of the day because you are so far behind. Well I am having one of those days today. So since I showed up this morning and saw my pile of things to do I have been annoying the lady I work with (who is awesome by the way) and she thinks that I am very crazy. Just keep swimming. That’s all I have been saying but not to my self in my head out loud. Just keep swimming. Okay so I know that your all thinking that I’m nuts and that line is not new. Hello its from finding Nimo. Yes I am aware of that fact. But if you think about it it does make sense. You can’t give up just because you don’t know when it will end. You got to okay I wont’ say it but come on its catchy. Or maybe I am just easily amused.

Does anyone out there know a good dream specialist? Because I am sure I can use one. First about fast food and now about well I am not sure if it has a theme. Well I only remember the last few minutes of the dream but it was me out side of this big building that I think was an old folks mental building or something like that. We (me and someone I don’t know who) were watching threw this window of a wealthy old man (I think we were hired to watch over him. But from out side.) to make sure no one tried to kill or steal anything. We noticed something funny another man creeping around his room. So my partner goes in for a closer look and this in its self is strange because the man we were hired to watch was on the 6th floor. The whole time he was gone there was this red light thing that was on the road by me shining into his window. I paged my partner asking him if this was needed and he said no get it off right away. So I kicked it down the street. My partner comes back tells me something is going on and we need to get up there. But we can’t just go walking in. we change quickly into Dr’s coats at grab an old man off the street rip his clothes off and throw him on a stretcher. We walk him threw the front doors and the only thing people say to us is oh run away. We make it all the way up to his room and then I think I woke up. I am in bed beside my fiancĂ© and out of the corner of my eye I see someone walk past our bedroom door. I try to scream but nothing comes out just muffles. Turns out I was really asleep I woke up yelled at Shane told him to get up because someone was in our apartment and he had to go check it out. He told me there wasn’t and it was just the T.V. That got me mad. I did fall back asleep and no there wasn’t anyone in the apartment but if there was ohhh would he be in trouble. I did think it was real. I thought I was going to be killed. And he just went back to sleep. Bastard.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Hello My Namie is Jamie and I am an H!!

She didn't even buy me dinner!! I went and got a bra sizing on Saturday
and let me tell you. I have never been that naked with a stranger and I
only had my shirt off. Now I am not a small girl by any means of the
word so I had to warn this poor lady about my abundance of back fat. She
didn't seam to mind. Sweet. So she went out and found me a bra that
would fit and guess what size I am. I never even knew they had a size
this big for real people. H I am a size H. So forget being a double or
triple D nope I can throw all of those away. I am an H. I think that's
how I am going to start to introduce myself from now on. Hello My name
is Jamie and I am an H. I only went in because I couldn't find a bra
that made my boobs look nice anymore. Nope they suckered me into getting
a $150.00 bra. Boy did they see me coming. I swear I have a big blinking
light over my head saying hey stop me I will buy anything you show me.

Okay so I was telling you about my crazy dreams before and now my talent
for fast food joints has caught up to me at work. I just had the
strangest oddest most out of the blue argument with my boss about
K.F.C..

Boss: K.F.C is healthy for you now they don't use Trans fat anymore.

Me: They still deep fry it so it can't be that healthy.

Boss: no they bake the chicken in there big ovens. Have you never been
in a K.F.C. before?
Didn't you ever see the ovens.

Me: They don't bake it because it wouldn't get that crispy they fry it
and hold it in
"ovens" so it doesn't get cold ( and I used the finger brackets over the
word oven)

Boss: No they don't. they cook it in the OVENS they only fry the fries
in the fryers. (Slams the door to his office)

Me: Oh my god. Does he really think

Boss: (Opens the door and sticks his head threw) I used to work there
and I know they don't use fryers for there chicken and they can't
because I know. If you don't believe me call them. Or look it up.

Me: (can't breath laughing too hard) (still laughing)

Me: (five min later on the phone calling KFC head office) Hi do you guys
deep fry your chicken?

KFC: Yes we do.

Me: Do you think its false advertising saying that you use no trans fat
and you still deep fry your chicken (just so I can get the answer for
my boss)

KFC: No they make an oil for the fryers that is trans fat free. We use
that instead.

Me: thank you very much!

Me: (on phone calling my boss) hey are you at KFC yet?

Boss: yeah I just left and they said they don't fry it any more and
haven't for 15 years.

Me: well then why would they call it KFC shouldn't they call it KBC for
baked instead of fried?

Boss: are you arguing with me I just told you they don't fry them any
more.

This is when I gave up all hope that he would listen. But honest to god
this is only one of the arguments that we have. And we usually have one
every day or twice a day. This has to be the coolest job ever. Where
else do you have a discussion about KFC unless you work there that is.

Monday, September 15, 2008

First time!

I didn't go to work today. I spend most of the day sleeping. I have had some of the strangest dreams that I am sure anyone has ever had. One strange one that always seams to stick out is about McDonald's. I know its strange but in the dream there were all these people who were hit by cars and the news wouldn't say anything about it. The only thing that would come up is an announcement from McDonald's saying they were about to reveal something big in the next few days. Then two days later after another string of hit and runs the big announcement came. McDonald's theme song comes on " dah dah dah dah dah I'm loving it." Help keep Mc.Nuggets fresh continue to hit pedestrian's. Now I know this isn't normal but come on Mc. Donald's  is sending me there future add campaigns  in my dreams. I think this is something out of a cartoon or something. 

So to get my mind off of the whole dream thing I decided to go surf the net and read some blogs. There are a few that I read well everyday. And one of the blogs that I read makes my day every time she posts a new blog. My fiance thinks that I am nuts because I show him the posts she puts up and well he doesn't get it. Men. But I can understand why he doesn't get it though. He spends most of his night playing xbox. Well I play sometimes. But not all the time like him. He could wake up first thing in the morning. Before the sun comes out and play until the sun sets. He wouldn't even see anything wrong in it. Is that a man thing? Are they all pre programed to spend all waking hours shooting people up on the tv? 

I watched a movie on saturday night "The Bank Job". I would have to say that that is the best movie I have seen in a long time. Most of it was because of the cute english accents and the other part is because of  Jason Statham. He is very yummy for lack of better word. 

Now for the real reason why I wanted to start a blog. The Bloggess. I non sexually love her. I think if I were not on meds I could see myself going to meet her and acting like a star struck groupie. I am not saying that I would sleep with her but if she asked I totally would. Only if she asked. But thank god I have medication to stop me from doing that. Oddly enough they don't stop me from thinking about it. there maybe a problem here. Oh well I still don't have the money to pay for the plane ticket. Unless.. No I am not going to.